i feel as if i've learned nothing about literature and philosophy in college. fine. philosophy, yes. but still. i feel dumb. may i'll try doing some song analysis so my neurons won't completely die out.
anyhow, the constant pounding of pop and hiphop in my ears these past few weeks evidently had detrimental effects upon my mental capacity. i now lack the breadth to grasp songs that were written to be heard by people above age 8.
i feel like there's always a jelly wrapped around me that prevents me to absorb the feelings conveyed through songs, unlike i used to. am i simply numb or is the music nowadays pointless? : \
i couldn't help myself. sorry, i forgot what the next part was. anyway...
I know i have Cushing Syndrome and Adult ADHD. All i need is confirmation from a highly competent endocrinologist and psychiatrist, respectively. I have all of the symptoms of both medical problems. hirsutism, central obesity, depression, psychological disturbances, polyuria, hyperhydrosis, possibility of osteoporosis and diabetes mellitus, etc. for Cushing Syndrome. Procrastination, indecision, difficulty getting started and finishing tasks, poor time management, forgetfulness, short attention-span, etc. for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I even had the symptoms for children when i was a kid. I've been through all sorts of shit, just trying to figure out what on earth is wrong with me. Of course, i didn't rule out the possibility of me being simply histrionic. Oh, i've been there. seriously, i thought i had chronic depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, the list never ends. but this time, it's different. everything fell precisely into its place. the only problem i'm not entirely sure of is me having Schizoid Personality Disorder. i have all of its symptoms, except that it sometimes vary according to subgroups, but i'm not ratifying it, since its particularly difficult to diagnose.
the irony of it all, just when i finally called it quits with religion, everything finally started to make sense. sure, i didn't disregard the possibility of the existence of God. but everything started to become clearer when i accepted the fact that religion is basically propaganda. human programming, if i must say it.
now it makes sense why my life is a fucking circus in comparison to the robots surrounding me and there actually are other people like me. call me an idiot or whatever but that only bounces back to you because of your ignorance and you obviously didn't go through the same kind of hell like i did.
whew. -_-;; thank god, that was over. this took me 3 hours to write because i kept forgetting the things i want to point out. majority of which, i didn't recover. u_u; it's interesting. i've never written anything as angry as this in a looong time. quite refreshing. lots of profanity. apologies to my inexistent readers... then again, i don't give a damn.
i've been laying off heavy metal and alternative rock recently to stave off depression. for some reason i've been really addicted to kpop and all the dance memes that come with it. but hey, i guess it's better for me turn into a teenybopper now than wallow in depression and later be dead.
i've always been under the impression that the term Attention Deficit means a person who craved attention. i even had the gall to spout jokes about it. thank god for illiterate people. :P Apparently, it describes a person with a really short attention-span, which i possibly am.
i've been all over the place, histrionic about all sorts of syndromes and disorders, hell bent on finding exactly what is wrong with me. Attention Deficit Disorder has been under my radar due to my evident lack of intellectual breadth or probably vocabulary. when i found it every freaking symptom clicked so hard i came. kidding.
i think i've had it since i was a kid and i think my dad also has it. funny thing is most people find it dangerous to "climb the furniture", which is apparently the most popular symptom. furniture? seriously? really? as far as i'm concerned i've climbed roofs, trees, electric poles, water buffalos... i've been bitten by most bugs like bees, wasps, spiders, centipedes and scorpions because of it. i've been trespassing on private properties since i was 6. i dug a hole under someone's fence because i couldn't climb over it because it had closely knit barbed wires, just to steal some aratiles(imagine tiny fruits). i almost sent my classmate flying to the roof of our school building, because i had fun pushing him. i tried doing it myself but wasn't successful, because no one wanted to help me.
my dad also made me and my sisters some swings tied to a really tall acacia tree and around 15 feet away from its trunk which i gladly used to catapult myself into all sorts of directions. i even invented a stupid move which i call "pinipig crunch", in which i'd spin my swing until it's really bunched up. then, i'd climb the tree and jump off while sitting in my seat. i usually hit the trunk. other than that... did i mention i also get into fist fights?
anyhow, it was hard to believe i was clan favorite and given everything i asked for. it really is freaking hard to believe that every adult i met adored and squished me to death at the same time frame i did all those silly crap. i even get lots of kiddie love letters even though i get into fist fights. eww. maybe it's because of my grades or something, which were weirdly very high despite the fact that i never did homework.
although, i live in a decent house with cable and high-speed internet connection next to a shopping mall, have upper-middle class friends, experiencing the best education my country can offer and have access to most things poor people can only dream of, doesn't mean i'm rich.
in fact, i'm living in poverty. my mother doesn't own the house we live in. the education i've had is mostly free, because of the scholarships. and, my friends are my friends because i'm lucky.
worst of all, i don't have a job and i'm still dependent. meaning, i have nothing. *tears*