i've been hesitating to blog for more than a week thinking my asinine thoughts are not worth publishing online in my own journal. talk about serious esteem issues. especially for someone as self-absorbed as i am.

other than mourning the end of the two anime that i've been religiously following for the past year, which is Toradora and Soul Eater. If i don't forget it later maybe i'll try to write a series review of sort, my life pretty much remains blah. although, i've finally sorted through my bookmarks. i tried out opera. i only lasted two days, before i went back to firefox. it was pretty neat and sleek. the notes feature is very useful, but i'm more familiar with firefox.

been facing a creativity wall. i've already accepted the fact that i sucking fuck fucking suck at coedz. btw, i downloaded notepad++. although, i hardly ever use it. anyhow, i couldn't accept the fact that i don't have even the tiniest amount of artistic talent. i'm already very adept at photoshop(as far as i'm concerned), but i couldn't come up with anything worth sharing with other people. sucks so hard.

another dilemma also bothers me. i don't like how people have been spamming search engines and how google's been monopolizing advertisements. i'm the kind of person who takes down ads where they're supposed to be, such as social website profile pages, free blogs and free webpages. so, the mere thought of putting up ads on purpose for my blog and implementing search engine spam techniques or SEO sends shivers up my spines. another thing is i'm planning to share the contents of my hard drive, meaning illegal media products. i strongly believe that the internet is meant for sharing information, but i also believe that piracy undermines all the hard work of the creators put into making a certain product. most of which, earns their living through their creations people share illegally. i'm also aware that some of the people involved in producing original content are simply money-grubbers out to steal a piece from the profit pie, and some actually produce content not worth the price they sold it, which is equivalent to greed and corruption. i also hate the fact that some websites are putting up fences by limiting their sites within their own countries, which is stupid. it defeats the purpose of having a website on the internet. and everyone uses proxy servers and dynamic ips anyway, so their efforts are meaningless. i didn't even know that my isp changes my ip every several days, until i decided to mask it sometime ago. lol.

my messy bookmarks still drives me crazy. i don't know how exactly should i organize them, but i can't help myself from bookmarking, because i'm constantly searching for new interesting stuff. it's my disease. you see, i never subscribe to feeds, though i don't use del.icio.us, yet, >:3 because i only use my own machine for surfing online.

another things is i've gather so much materials and books that 3 months probably won't be enough to digest them all. still figuring out how i'm going to condense and document them so i could get my hd rid of them and not have to spend forever reading them.

speaking of my hd, just when i finally gotten rid of my movie files and man pr0n, i've started getting hooked on kiddie games. i just downloaded a few for my younger siblings, but then it kind of gotten out of hand and now my hd is filled to the brim. *pulls out hair from frustrations* just when my obssession with animu and mangoes started to fade... i'm so totally immersing my head in finance books. i've got to fix my brain before my mmorpg addiction resurfaces and i start dreaming of pvp again both awake and asleep. *hurls self against a wall to snap up*

other than that, instead of catering to a specific demographic. i'll just post random contents of my hd and topics i find interesting, which is alot. but then, i'm kinda scared of the interpolz to track me down jail me for 30 months for sharing w a r e z. even if its practically the same thing from a friend lending a notebook for you to replicate before an exam. makes me rage so hard.

...

i've decided right now. still going to do it. tralalala~

i was browsing for some clean blogger layouts, when i stumbled upon some graphic artist's portfolio site. the layout was so pretty you could almost hear my stomach squirm and me vomit in delight. i am so very tempted to rip it off... but i won't, for the sake of artistic integrity. despite my apparent lack of raw artistic talent.
in any case, i really won't. so, rest assured. in fact, i won't be posting the link in case someone else tries to pull it off. don't worry it's not even yours. *copters off into the sunset*
EDIT: Why do blogs have to cater to niches? can't i just blog anything relevant to my interests? and still somehow earn some pennies. i haet conformity. btw, i haet coedz, too. which reminds me how fugly most profit-driven websites are. minus, the graphic design blogs and major corporations. i'm sort of scared how this thing will look after i placed ads here. other than adsense and custom(sponsor) ads, most other ads are so hideous, it makes me want to burn them alive. pisses me off.
+ i am so behind on my animu. i want to die, or at least eat cake. *cries*
oh, when will i ever have enough love?! < /endofweirdemocheese>

this morning, i switched on the tv and found out that we had NHK again. i was so hyped thinking i could watch raw live animu again, and guess what's on? Microsoft Paint Tutorial FTW!!1! it was a casual talk show kind of thing. the conversation went kind of like this:
A guy was teaching the other hosts about the various functions of Paint.
"Wow! you're so good, Mr. A. It kinda looks hard..."
"...No, it's very simple, but we must study hard..."
"But studying is so much fun!"
"...Yes, you are right..."
Then they started painting over and ruining this poor kid's photo.

After this they started selling this tutorial book with a hideous cover. This is where i tuned out and decided to watch Al-Jazeera for the lulz. Disclaimer: i know very little Japanese so there's a high possibility that i got that wrong. I can't believe the crap Japanese tv channels show during their daytime slots! (As far as i know), most animu had to be shown during graveyard hours because they couldn't afford showing them during normal waking hours(except for really mainstream shows like Bleach). And because Japan was one of the countries with the highest rate of escapism thing(something to do with recreational activities, e.g. watching tv, playing video games, shipping idols, etc.), i thought they had better tv programs.(although, i applaud the originality*or weirdness* of their concepts) Then later, i found out they replaced NHK over NAT GEO!(my most beloved channel of all time) FFTW!?1! Before i could release my nerd rage towards the general direction of the cable guys, NAT GEO returned to regular programming, and NHK was never seen ever again...

Anyhoo, i don't know how i could fix my brain, because i''m getting cold feet over the moolah thing. Plus, my ocd is causing my depression to resurface and i can't get rid of this feeling as if someone punched my guts. And, the pressure from my family is increasing, firmly suggesting i get a job. Without picking their brains, i figured they're thinking of throwing me out if i don't. By merely showing my presence to them, i feel telepathic daggers stabbing my back. And if i don't show my face, they'd get angry and drag me outside to conduct a public display of humiliation. As if my stoner neighbors have better achievements to be proud of. My life sucks. I should've been dead long ago if i didn't go shinji ikari and chicken out of commiting suicide.

P.S. Disorganized bookmarks really, really piss me off.

my ancient machine is so slow. it fuggin' pisses me off. it gives off this vibe as if its doing it on purpose, and it's driving me to the edge. currently freeing space on my hd. yes, this is another one of those pointless self-absorbed posts.

pay-to-click sites really does pay the least among the groups of online money milking schemes. if anyone's still interested click here. i only tried one. the only thing i'm scared of, is if i get m a l w a r e from doing it. freaky. i'd die if my hd gets wiped out.

i'm losing enthusiasm on my personal research, which is bad. i'm currently arranging the data i accumulated over the past three days, and its the exact same time i always quit in all my previous projects. *slaps own face to snap up*

anyhow, i got a new design project. i have to design an ebay page for my aunt's shop. sounds simple, right? but in my head, it's not. it means i have to design her brand and logo and everything else in between. what's more is she wants me to teach her how i did it so she could do it herself next. i also seem to have to teach her how to advertise her shop online for more traffic. Just thinking about it, drives me nuts.

i'm also thinking of making a bunch of wallpapers for my informal pseudo-portfolio. just so i got proof that i got skillz, but i think trying to get design jobs will be hard for me because i don't have raw talent or formal education. plus, i always get psychotic on every job i get. and, when it isn't perfect in my eyes, i drown myself in tears. i'm like a ten-minute bipolar bear.

last night i've been so psyched about the site i checked out. but right now, i'm losing it. i'm supposed to write zillions of kickass write-ups, but then i got bored. i figured, "what is the point of writing something kickass if i'm not getting the monetary credit it deserves?" And then i also thought, "what is the point of exerting effort for something if its not going to be absolutely brilliant according to my standards?" i'm crazy, you think? i'm obviously aware of it, and not in the proper frame of mind to do anything about it.

also, i decided to try ptc. i'm aware that the payouts are low, slow and 90% of them are scams. then again, i'm this for the lulz. so, piss off... kidding. have some internet cake. *hands over cake*

anyhow, i'm also thinking of changing my layout. i deciding between getting something free, designing my own, or altering someone else's sans their consent. i really love this one, but the designers might not be too happy about it after i start making profit out of this blog.

indecision is one of biggest banes of my existence. *kills self*

i'm going to try out on of the methods for earning some dough. to be honest, i'm really excited. i've never felt this way in a really long time. the truth is i opened this blog almost a year ago for the purpose of generating an income, but never really got to it, because i never had the time, after school started, and then later the right frame of mind. which is why this place ended up as another one of my outlets for venting my frustrations.

anyhow, i'm currently undergoing research and developing a systematic scheme for all this shizzle. yes, i'm that obssessive about everything i get into, but i have a long history of doing everything half-assed. so, i could never really tell.

my puny brain is simply bursting upon seeing the plethora of methods for generating income online while researching. but first i should prolly clear my head of all nuisance. the fact that i didn't know until now what SEO means and its significance in herding readers... i lost my train of thought.

i was thinking of switching back to wordpress *stoned*. i'm sorry. srsly, i get it. what is the point of switching over to a more powerful blogging tool when i hardly lay my hands on this one, much less maximize fully its capabilities? i know, you're thinking,"what the flying fuck is your problem?! no one even reads this semi-existent pile of crap!". *beaten up by imaginary readers*

well, this time i'll try to blog as much as i can, and practice writing more sensible content other than the usual pointless nausea of inner turmoil and cowardice.

a friend once told me that the only thing she fears other than (her) God is stagnation, which is a pretty scary thing if you live in my environment of overachieving geniuses. And, degradation which is definitely more horrifying isn't making things any easier for me. But one thing's for sure, i'm not going back to college because we can't afford it. *internet high-five!* heck, we could hardly even afford decent food anymore. stupid recession. anyhow, i still have the internet. and i need to make money. so, yes. i'm finally getting my ass out of this bed. but not to work, mind you. sure i've got several companies i'd like to enter just for the learning experience *kicked*. yes, it's true. there are several corporations i'd like to be a part of, but my lazy ass, pessimism and irrational fears are preventing me to do so. evidently, it's out of the question.

i must stop this degradation. must...

anyhoo, i'm going to stop immersing myself in epic shonen mangoes, start reasearching and try my hand on gaining some profit online to at least relieve some grief and disappointment out of my clan. maybe, i'll even start learning programming again *reliving the terrors of 5-hour practical programming exams*. que horror.

i really am. somehow, it's sort of coming off and i've started taking interests in things again, but my train of thought always end up in me never having enough drive and capacity, and i will ultimately fail, like i always do.

i've been avoiding this issue with the best of my abilities, to the extent of removing even the slightest thoughts of it even by physical means such as flailing my own head againts a wall. i've been successful at forgetting it for several months by means of sleepless nights of anime and 4chan, corrupting my mind with abomination, right to its very core, just for it not to resurface. tonight, i've failed. in hopes of improving my tagalog vocabulary, i ended up landing in peyups, which i told myself never to venture into. i even sort of sworn to myself i would never shed a tear for it ever. and just reading a single column broke me into a million of tiny pieces. yes, i'm talking about my dead academic career. the details are unclear, you say? i have no desire of increasing my inner turmoil. so suffer the lack of context. for me, its ** or nothing. that's very shallow and immature of me. i know. you wouldn't know what it feels unless you are me.

in the end, it all boils down to the fact that i don't have what it takes to get there. i don't have enough drive to do it. i do everything half-assed and i couldn't change myself, because its what i am. i've pushed my luck so much and i know as hell how much of it i've got. but i can't rely on luck alone and i'm not happy with it anymore. it's no fun anymore. i don't know where to go or what path to pursue.

i'm not ready to face it. i don't even want to face it. i just want to either end it all or retire permanently.

there's so much stuff i'd like to blog lately but am too lazy to even sign in.

i've recently been alto whoring. imma print some pics later. maybe i'll try drawing him. then again, i prolly won't reveal it as my anatomy skillz suck balls.

anyhoo, my mom picked up a puppy off the middle of the street. meet GUNDAM.


isn't he the most awesome puppy evarr?!?!


imma blog whore alto-hime laterr.

i just saw the rurouni kenshin[samurai x] ova tsuikohen[trust and betrayal] and seisohen[reflection]. deep. dark. romantic. absolute love. really far from the 'oro'-filled main series. absolutely awesome, nonetheless. the soundtrack alone tore me apart. the animation leaned more on realism in comparison to their forerunner. the story and how they were pieced together is amazing. i really loved it. exactly, my brand of romance. i can't believed it took me this long to finally get to see this. it reminded me how horrifying shedding blood really is.[watching too much soul eater made me think blood looked funny.] although i honestly am sick of watching rurouni kenshin over and over in english, tagalog and japanese[my sisters really doesn't.], i still miss seeing it. it reminds me of my childhood and the values they contained that i have obviously forgotten. my all-time favorite anime that shaped my perception[atleast before i got this way(hikikomori)], other than hunter x hunter. the anime being shown nowadays are sort of lacking. it's not that they're bad. it's just that most of them are filled with too much ecchi and psychosis.[they just turn me paranoid and horny] not to mention that most of them are made for adults or really young kids[lolis and shotas], none for me[18 year old who thinks as if she's 12]. very few of them contain the same spirit and inspiration that made me fall in love with anime in the first place.[naruto, bleach and one piece has it, though.]

anyhoo, i wasn't content with rurouni kenshin's final episode so seeing these made me really happy and depressed at the same time.[ which i always do whenever i finish a really good anime] makes me yearn for more. makes me wish it ran like dragon ball /z. but alas, even dragonball /z is overr. *cries some more* it also sort of makes me reevaluate my stance against life.

but then, i also saw 5 centimeters per second, which only strengthened my stance that living is pointless.

aside from knowing my condition is called being a hikikomori and starting to walk all over the house instead of lying in my bed for months. this is my first attempt to reconnect with society. so, yay me! then again, no one reads my blog. but i've been avoiding this since i got this way. so, this is a big step. atleast, in my book. before, i even supress or withhold composing thoughts regarding none escapist concepts. i'm a total romantic. everyone else knew from the start. crap. i'm really beyond my limits because i never finish anything. so there.

i know, right?
i've been really wanting to vent out my thoughts online so bad, but i always get scared of coming out of my room. forgive thee for not having internet connection. i really am. sorry, that is. this has really been disjointed. i had to suffer venting my exploding brain on paper, where my hand couldn't possibly keep up with the rate of flow of my brainfarts. i tried journalling(?) on my pc. i really did. but that's so boring because no one else could read it and i started writing of confidential stuff embedded in fiction. so, technically, those aren't journal entries. i hate the fact that my right hand couldn't keep up with my left. i know no one else reads this blog anyway. but it gives me joy thinking someone could stumble upon my blog and contemplate my pointless thoughts.
i always get carried away by my daydreams. i couldn't control my daydreams. i have early signs of schizophrenia. i couldn't stand school. i hate it. i'm losing my mind. people are going to kick my ass for this, but i'm filing leave of absence. that is, if i muster enough drive to get out of the trouble i dug myself into. i'm going to hell. someone save me.

i can't stand school. i need to love school again. i never learn anything. i never remember anything. i feel so worthless. but then, nothing i do is worth anything, to beging with.

i have no conscience. i can think of the right and wrong stuff, but it feels so wrong forcing myslef to do anything according to 'morals' when i don't even feel anything about it. i feel nothing. i feel dead. i lost hope, too. dunno how to generate more. my brain damage is getting worse.

though seemingly disjointed, this entry is worth moarrrr than what i posted in the past few months.

i need to remember how to live again. remind me to get out of my room and do crap like i used to.

my thoughts out. real bad. /*but this stupid net cafe started reeking of yucky smelling guy cologne. reminds me of the time i almost passed out during flag ceremony in high school, because i sprayed too much body spray on myself. i can't stand it. i'm going to barf. i'm leaving.*/ 'till next time~! :D

i've been living in my dreams*am i on crack? no* , literally. i lost all my logical abilities. it's like i'm on permanent auto-pilot. At first, it was cool i could do that. By autopilot, i mean my body follows strictly my daily routine without thinking. That sounded retarded. i know. /*i'm kinda freezing to death here. so, i'll leave this here. i'll continue this later.*/

after i moved back into my old place, i totally forgot all about this blog. and, i felt so sorry for it. *i shamelessly confess to treating my journals like animated beings* the truth is i have free internet connection at my place and i got my machine with me. all that's missing is a usb wifi thingie, due to the fact the my machine doesn't have a wifi thingie built in with it. so, yeah. i'm guilty of being entirely negligent of everything that i used to take care of, which i don't know whether i should feel really bad about it, like i should. because right now, i don't feel anything at all. i don't care about anything, at all. even with my acads, which is my number one priority, but i still end up failing anyway.
in the past 2 months, i managed to flunk 5 out of my 7 major exams. beat that. i cried once. and, i forced myself into it just to prove to myself i still have feelings. i don't want to go numb. it'll wreck havoc on my academic life. *flashesback to 1.5 years ago when i wanted to go numb to avoid pain from...* anyhow, i also managed to deteriorate my social life*if it ever existed* by staying away from people i really want to be friends with but end up snobbing, and people, generally. i should rot in hell.
someone save me.

earth calling, j*****h. wake up, sleepyhead! no one wants to be friends with you, to begin with. so, why bother dreaming? stick to reality. go back to unconsciously/instinctively pissing people trying to make contact(say wut?!). i kid.i guess i do need people, but i lost every sort of social skill any human being comes built in with.

i found a place to stay, but i'm still unstable. craze keep my guts aways from me. (?)
anyhoo, i can't focus. i'm busy listening to the brewrats radio drama, "Iputok mo sa Labas".
i was so pissed yesterday, i cried everytime someone reminded me of that thing.
well, til later. After my mind's all cleared up.

there. i'm still homeless. i have a lot of stuff to deal with, and i couldn't do anything about those other stuff until i completely get out of this mess. it pisses me off as much as it makes me feel kawawa.
anyhoo, i give all my love to those people concerned and willing to share their beds to a shamelessly homeless person like me. :)