i've been hesitating to blog for more than a week thinking my asinine thoughts are not worth publishing online in my own journal. talk about serious esteem issues. especially for someone as self-absorbed as i am.

other than mourning the end of the two anime that i've been religiously following for the past year, which is Toradora and Soul Eater. If i don't forget it later maybe i'll try to write a series review of sort, my life pretty much remains blah. although, i've finally sorted through my bookmarks. i tried out opera. i only lasted two days, before i went back to firefox. it was pretty neat and sleek. the notes feature is very useful, but i'm more familiar with firefox.

been facing a creativity wall. i've already accepted the fact that i sucking fuck fucking suck at coedz. btw, i downloaded notepad++. although, i hardly ever use it. anyhow, i couldn't accept the fact that i don't have even the tiniest amount of artistic talent. i'm already very adept at photoshop(as far as i'm concerned), but i couldn't come up with anything worth sharing with other people. sucks so hard.

another dilemma also bothers me. i don't like how people have been spamming search engines and how google's been monopolizing advertisements. i'm the kind of person who takes down ads where they're supposed to be, such as social website profile pages, free blogs and free webpages. so, the mere thought of putting up ads on purpose for my blog and implementing search engine spam techniques or SEO sends shivers up my spines. another thing is i'm planning to share the contents of my hard drive, meaning illegal media products. i strongly believe that the internet is meant for sharing information, but i also believe that piracy undermines all the hard work of the creators put into making a certain product. most of which, earns their living through their creations people share illegally. i'm also aware that some of the people involved in producing original content are simply money-grubbers out to steal a piece from the profit pie, and some actually produce content not worth the price they sold it, which is equivalent to greed and corruption. i also hate the fact that some websites are putting up fences by limiting their sites within their own countries, which is stupid. it defeats the purpose of having a website on the internet. and everyone uses proxy servers and dynamic ips anyway, so their efforts are meaningless. i didn't even know that my isp changes my ip every several days, until i decided to mask it sometime ago. lol.

my messy bookmarks still drives me crazy. i don't know how exactly should i organize them, but i can't help myself from bookmarking, because i'm constantly searching for new interesting stuff. it's my disease. you see, i never subscribe to feeds, though i don't use del.icio.us, yet, >:3 because i only use my own machine for surfing online.

another things is i've gather so much materials and books that 3 months probably won't be enough to digest them all. still figuring out how i'm going to condense and document them so i could get my hd rid of them and not have to spend forever reading them.

speaking of my hd, just when i finally gotten rid of my movie files and man pr0n, i've started getting hooked on kiddie games. i just downloaded a few for my younger siblings, but then it kind of gotten out of hand and now my hd is filled to the brim. *pulls out hair from frustrations* just when my obssession with animu and mangoes started to fade... i'm so totally immersing my head in finance books. i've got to fix my brain before my mmorpg addiction resurfaces and i start dreaming of pvp again both awake and asleep. *hurls self against a wall to snap up*

other than that, instead of catering to a specific demographic. i'll just post random contents of my hd and topics i find interesting, which is alot. but then, i'm kinda scared of the interpolz to track me down jail me for 30 months for sharing w a r e z. even if its practically the same thing from a friend lending a notebook for you to replicate before an exam. makes me rage so hard.

...

i've decided right now. still going to do it. tralalala~

i was browsing for some clean blogger layouts, when i stumbled upon some graphic artist's portfolio site. the layout was so pretty you could almost hear my stomach squirm and me vomit in delight. i am so very tempted to rip it off... but i won't, for the sake of artistic integrity. despite my apparent lack of raw artistic talent.
in any case, i really won't. so, rest assured. in fact, i won't be posting the link in case someone else tries to pull it off. don't worry it's not even yours. *copters off into the sunset*
EDIT: Why do blogs have to cater to niches? can't i just blog anything relevant to my interests? and still somehow earn some pennies. i haet conformity. btw, i haet coedz, too. which reminds me how fugly most profit-driven websites are. minus, the graphic design blogs and major corporations. i'm sort of scared how this thing will look after i placed ads here. other than adsense and custom(sponsor) ads, most other ads are so hideous, it makes me want to burn them alive. pisses me off.
+ i am so behind on my animu. i want to die, or at least eat cake. *cries*
oh, when will i ever have enough love?! < /endofweirdemocheese>

this morning, i switched on the tv and found out that we had NHK again. i was so hyped thinking i could watch raw live animu again, and guess what's on? Microsoft Paint Tutorial FTW!!1! it was a casual talk show kind of thing. the conversation went kind of like this:
A guy was teaching the other hosts about the various functions of Paint.
"Wow! you're so good, Mr. A. It kinda looks hard..."
"...No, it's very simple, but we must study hard..."
"But studying is so much fun!"
"...Yes, you are right..."
Then they started painting over and ruining this poor kid's photo.

After this they started selling this tutorial book with a hideous cover. This is where i tuned out and decided to watch Al-Jazeera for the lulz. Disclaimer: i know very little Japanese so there's a high possibility that i got that wrong. I can't believe the crap Japanese tv channels show during their daytime slots! (As far as i know), most animu had to be shown during graveyard hours because they couldn't afford showing them during normal waking hours(except for really mainstream shows like Bleach). And because Japan was one of the countries with the highest rate of escapism thing(something to do with recreational activities, e.g. watching tv, playing video games, shipping idols, etc.), i thought they had better tv programs.(although, i applaud the originality*or weirdness* of their concepts) Then later, i found out they replaced NHK over NAT GEO!(my most beloved channel of all time) FFTW!?1! Before i could release my nerd rage towards the general direction of the cable guys, NAT GEO returned to regular programming, and NHK was never seen ever again...

Anyhoo, i don't know how i could fix my brain, because i''m getting cold feet over the moolah thing. Plus, my ocd is causing my depression to resurface and i can't get rid of this feeling as if someone punched my guts. And, the pressure from my family is increasing, firmly suggesting i get a job. Without picking their brains, i figured they're thinking of throwing me out if i don't. By merely showing my presence to them, i feel telepathic daggers stabbing my back. And if i don't show my face, they'd get angry and drag me outside to conduct a public display of humiliation. As if my stoner neighbors have better achievements to be proud of. My life sucks. I should've been dead long ago if i didn't go shinji ikari and chicken out of commiting suicide.

P.S. Disorganized bookmarks really, really piss me off.