i've been avoiding this issue with the best of my abilities, to the extent of removing even the slightest thoughts of it even by physical means such as flailing my own head againts a wall. i've been successful at forgetting it for several months by means of sleepless nights of anime and 4chan, corrupting my mind with abomination, right to its very core, just for it not to resurface. tonight, i've failed. in hopes of improving my tagalog vocabulary, i ended up landing in peyups, which i told myself never to venture into. i even sort of sworn to myself i would never shed a tear for it ever. and just reading a single column broke me into a million of tiny pieces. yes, i'm talking about my dead academic career. the details are unclear, you say? i have no desire of increasing my inner turmoil. so suffer the lack of context. for me, its ** or nothing. that's very shallow and immature of me. i know. you wouldn't know what it feels unless you are me.

in the end, it all boils down to the fact that i don't have what it takes to get there. i don't have enough drive to do it. i do everything half-assed and i couldn't change myself, because its what i am. i've pushed my luck so much and i know as hell how much of it i've got. but i can't rely on luck alone and i'm not happy with it anymore. it's no fun anymore. i don't know where to go or what path to pursue.

i'm not ready to face it. i don't even want to face it. i just want to either end it all or retire permanently.