my organization sisters are now apparently assigning which set of colors member are allowed to wear. yes, reminiscent of the mean girls. i'm weirdly thankful i'm not there, because i'm particularly stubborn and they'll surely get pissed off and alienate me. i guess they are pop kids, after all... just incredibly smarter than you...

or me. i can attest to that.

to become a corporate slave doomed to make filthy rich scions even wealthier.

i'd rather be an independent farmer consuming the fruits of my own sweat, blood and tears. justice.

i hate society so much i want to kill myself.

what if you were given the chance to fly the highest altitudes, except that you were given wings of steel instead of feather, and it would take you exponential amounts of effort and spirit just to reach the same altitude as other average feather-winged beings, and failure mid-flight means death instead of a second chance, would you still do it?

or

err on the side of caution and remain on earth?

does this mean ... ?

i promise never to browse the lookbook ever again. ever. i'm already underweight to begin with. it's driving me closer to becoming one of those tanorexics who spend every single bit of their cash on clothing.

then again, i love food too much. so much for avoiding the food channel.

my hair is begging to get washed. it's beginning to itch, now. aside from stinking. but i don't feel like doing it just because. why should i? set aside hygiene, it looks best unkempt.

i fail at life for refusing to let it happen.
*
i've always felt like i have a glitch. like a missing nut or bolt that sets me apart from most people. like there's something that i don't have that everyone is supposed to have.
*
when i like doing something i do it relentlessly. so much that i dream about it and think about it every waking hour until i lose interest and it starts to feel so tedious and pointless. and later, i'll completely avoid it for the rest of my life... or at least until i forget about it, which is pretty quick.

it's a vicious cycle that spans three days on average.
*
i never conform to logic... well, not really. i usually do, to avoid annoyingly long minutes of reproach. whether physical or verbal, but i prefer physical. i've always liked corporal punishment. it's so refreshing. then again, i'm 18. my "authorities" already quit doing it. i might have to do it myself. if only, i don't bruise as easily as average people.*sigh* as for verbal, i just shed a few tears and some blind apoligies.
*
90% of the time, i blindly follow my instincts. call me stupid, but they're usually dead accurate. if it doesn't feel right, i'm never doing it. maybe this is why most people hate me. i do everything on a whim~
*
conscience. i don't really get that concept. come on, really? is that even real? why do i feel like i don't have it.
*
philosophy, too. i utterly suck at it. i absolutely don't understand it. i don't know why. are my neurons half-eaten by some zombie tumor or something?
*
my fan girl syndrome obviously doesn't belong here. so, i'm taking it where it does... livejournal, perhaps?

i had this insane need to give in to narcissism. and so, i did.

1. the left side of my body is significantly larger than the right side of my body. it's because i had a fracture in my right arm, which stunted my growth.

2. my favorite food is octopi and sea urchins.

3. i'd rather be lost in a dark creepy forest than be alone in a crowd.

4. i hate answering phone calls and text messaging, but i love receiving text.

5. i move around alot when i sleep. "like a helicopter", as described by my sister. that's why they hate sleeping next to me. >_>

6. i don't know my neighbors, but they seem to know me.

7. i hate horror flicks. i find them boring.

i have no sense of respect for myself. or anyone else, for that matter. in fact, i'm only putting up a facade, for logical purposes. i've missed some beats, for which i've been severely punished.

anyhow, i still don't feel like having it. ethically wrong, but my instincts says otherwise.

retard much?

i was born a clusterfuck. so, who knows?

i have this propensity to inflict humiliation upon self. i always look disheveled. i do try my best to look neat, but i always fail. thanks a lot cushing syndrome. i wish i just had some violent cancer so i'd die in a few days.

i didn't sleep for 36 hours straight yesterday and when i finally did, i dreamt of having intimate moments with someone i promised never to even spare myself a thought of. gross.

i don't know what it means. i forgot everything i learned about dream analysis in psychology 101.

facebook and plurk has been eating me away. i can't help being compulsive. i need help. please make it stop.

i feel as if i've learned nothing about literature and philosophy in college. fine. philosophy, yes. but still. i feel dumb. may i'll try doing some song analysis so my neurons won't completely die out.

will fill more later.

...brain damage.

i clearly have nothing significant to say.

anyhow, the constant pounding of pop and hiphop in my ears these past few weeks evidently had detrimental effects upon my mental capacity. i now lack the breadth to grasp songs that were written to be heard by people above age 8.

i feel like there's always a jelly wrapped around me that prevents me to absorb the feelings conveyed through songs, unlike i used to. am i simply numb or is the music nowadays pointless?
: \

the one i had a few minutes ago, in which i destroy everything good that was going for me.

do i really need to be reminded even in my sleep? :|

i couldn't help myself. sorry, i forgot what the next part was. anyway...

I know i have Cushing Syndrome and Adult ADHD. All i need is confirmation from a highly competent endocrinologist and psychiatrist, respectively. I have all of the symptoms of both medical problems. hirsutism, central obesity, depression, psychological disturbances, polyuria, hyperhydrosis, possibility of osteoporosis and diabetes mellitus, etc. for Cushing Syndrome. Procrastination, indecision, difficulty getting started and finishing tasks, poor time management, forgetfulness, short attention-span, etc. for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I even had the symptoms for children when i was a kid. I've been through all sorts of shit, just trying to figure out what on earth is wrong with me. Of course, i didn't rule out the possibility of me being simply histrionic. Oh, i've been there. seriously, i thought i had chronic depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, the list never ends. but this time, it's different. everything fell precisely into its place. the only problem i'm not entirely sure of is me having Schizoid Personality Disorder. i have all of its symptoms, except that it sometimes vary according to subgroups, but i'm not ratifying it, since its particularly difficult to diagnose.

the irony of it all, just when i finally called it quits with religion, everything finally started to make sense. sure, i didn't disregard the possibility of the existence of God. but everything started to become clearer when i accepted the fact that religion is basically propaganda. human programming, if i must say it.

now it makes sense why my life is a fucking circus in comparison to the robots surrounding me and there actually are other people like me. call me an idiot or whatever but that only bounces back to you because of your ignorance and you obviously didn't go through the same kind of hell like i did.

whew. -_-;; thank god, that was over. this took me 3 hours to write because i kept forgetting the things i want to point out. majority of which, i didn't recover. u_u; it's interesting. i've never written anything as angry as this in a looong time. quite refreshing. lots of profanity. apologies to my inexistent readers... then again, i don't give a damn.

crap, i've forgotten to take a bath. orz.

i've been laying off heavy metal and alternative rock recently to stave off depression. for some reason i've been really addicted to kpop and all the dance memes that come with it. but hey, i guess it's better for me turn into a teenybopper now than wallow in depression and later be dead.

i've always been under the impression that the term Attention Deficit means a person who craved attention. i even had the gall to spout jokes about it. thank god for illiterate people. :P Apparently, it describes a person with a really short attention-span, which i possibly am.

i've been all over the place, histrionic about all sorts of syndromes and disorders, hell bent on finding exactly what is wrong with me. Attention Deficit Disorder has been under my radar due to my evident lack of intellectual breadth or probably vocabulary. when i found it every freaking symptom clicked so hard i came. kidding.

i think i've had it since i was a kid and i think my dad also has it. funny thing is most people find it dangerous to "climb the furniture", which is apparently the most popular symptom. furniture? seriously? really? as far as i'm concerned i've climbed roofs, trees, electric poles, water buffalos... i've been bitten by most bugs like bees, wasps, spiders, centipedes and scorpions because of it. i've been trespassing on private properties since i was 6. i dug a hole under someone's fence because i couldn't climb over it because it had closely knit barbed wires, just to steal some aratiles(imagine tiny fruits). i almost sent my classmate flying to the roof of our school building, because i had fun pushing him. i tried doing it myself but wasn't successful, because no one wanted to help me.

my dad also made me and my sisters some swings tied to a really tall acacia tree and around 15 feet away from its trunk which i gladly used to catapult myself into all sorts of directions. i even invented a stupid move which i call "pinipig crunch", in which i'd spin my swing until it's really bunched up. then, i'd climb the tree and jump off while sitting in my seat. i usually hit the trunk. other than that... did i mention i also get into fist fights?

anyhow, it was hard to believe i was clan favorite and given everything i asked for. it really is freaking hard to believe that every adult i met adored and squished me to death at the same time frame i did all those silly crap. i even get lots of kiddie love letters even though i get into fist fights. eww. maybe it's because of my grades or something, which were weirdly very high despite the fact that i never did homework.

my life used to be so beautiful. *tears*

i've been blinded.

although, i live in a decent house with cable and high-speed internet connection next to a shopping mall, have upper-middle class friends, experiencing the best education my country can offer and have access to most things poor people can only dream of, doesn't mean i'm rich.

in fact, i'm living in poverty. my mother doesn't own the house we live in. the education i've had is mostly free, because of the scholarships. and, my friends are my friends because i'm lucky.

worst of all, i don't have a job and i'm still dependent. meaning, i have nothing. *tears*

yeah, i arrogantly declared a promise in my previous entry, which i epically failed within the first couple of days. why? you guessed it. I'VE FORGOTTEN. lame excuse? yeah, sure, whatever. this is my life and i'm in charge of it. or am i...?

i miss college... i miss high school. *tears* i love my high school but i never wanted to go through the torture all over. which reminds me of a blog entry i recently read. very cute. haha. *shot* i don't want to admit it, but i'm obviously the embodiment of the aforementioned entity, albeit not in the same high school. in fact, i'm very sick of studying...

well, not really. i'm sick of the cookie-cutter education system, that's for sure. but despite the fact of being an out-of-school youth, i never really stopped devouring education materials, overanalyzing certain facts and constantly monitoring current events. hell, i even talk to my mentors more now, compared to when i was still in college.

weird ass brain is weird.

i am tearing myself apart with each second that passes with me feeling helpless and alone, but can't do anything about it because my disgustingly short attention span is constantly getting in the way.

see. i forgot everything else i was about to say. *pulls hair out* ugh.

since this dump has already been contaminated with my self-centric cheese, i find no other reason why i shouldn't continue doing so. meaning: i'm going to force myself to blog everyday, or even every hour, whatever it takes to flush out all my frustrations that no one bothers to listens to, anyway.

this is the reason why most of my blog entries are short, sweet and pointless. I FORGET EVERYTHING! so, bear with me if you find this completely irrelevant or otherwise incoherent.

people stop talking to me whenever i tell them i quit going to school.

the feeling of failing school is so microscopic in comparison to what i feel when people do this.

but hey! no one cares about what i feel, why should i? feeling an emotion is just a state of mind or some chemical activity. i shouldn't pay attention to them.

still, i hate myself.

notice the indecision?

i need someone to vent my frustrations with. i'm sick of mind-numbing smalltalk. i'm sick of being someone else's emotional wastebag. i want someone to do the same for me. if only wishful thinking ever actually grants wishes.

or pride opposed to timidity, for that matter.
people tell me that i don't open my mouth enough. but when i do, nobody listens. other than that, i don't know how much to reveal or how much information to ask from the person spoken to.
that area is absolutely gray to me. i need intervention.
ugh... writing rut. i don't even know the difference between objective and subjective, anymore. btw, this ends here.

blog. i've been taking this for granted again, despite the excessive stream of thoughts that have been begging me to let them out.

i think i know what has been ruining my life for years. and, there's a possibility of my life ending from that, as well.

it isn't really obvious with my current state, but i've lived a really turbulent life. so, i've decided that i'm going to write a really in-depth and intimate autobiography...

...but not today. soon.

Disclaimer: di ko pa nasusubukan. so, not sure kung mabilis magbayad, pero di ko na sinama yung mga local(pinas) at medyo fishy. tsaka you need to open a paypal account, if you don't already have one. :) tsaka yung academic may phone interview at humihingi ng copy ng transcript.

Review Stream madali lang. product reviews. maliit lang bayad.

Mechanical Turk depends on the difficulty nung pinapagawa yung bayad, pero mostly maliit lang.

Associated Content academic papers. mas madali sa academia research. medyo ayos bayad.

Academia Research super academic papers. di ako pwede dito kasi tinatanggap lang nila is cum laude standing. mas mababa ng onti bayad kesa AC.

Bukisa articles. kahit anong gusto mo isulat. you get paid by the amount of unique pageviews your article gets. kaya dapat medyo marketing chever para marami bumasa.

Prospect Solution academic papers. mas madali kesa AR. not sure about sa bayad.

Academic Knowledge medyo mahigpit. they prefer oxford students or graduates. pero pag maganda ang transcript tinatanggap din yata nila.

meron pa akong alam na iba. Ciao.com maliit bayad for product reviews. Sneakindesign sobrang baba ng bayad, 1$ for a 400 word paper, kinda not worth the effort. Yung iba hindi masyado writing related kaya di ko na sinama. sabihin nyo lang sa akin kung gusto nyo pa rin malaman. :)

WARNING: these aren't formal reviews but a cloud of brainfart. so, don't expect anything.

phantom: requiem for the phantom

bee train's new baby. Animation’s fairly pretty. just felt a bit stoic. background music's quite good, my cup of tea. ED song's done by ali project(reminds me of lulu BAAAWWW). storywise, it's my favorite generic brand of assasins-without-a-past boring philosophical emo faggotry, that i painfully endure just for the fight scenes. reminiscent of mr. and mrs. smith, except that instead of being CEOs rightaway they're at entry-level and not yet married. Zwei looks like sousuke sagara, but hotter. Ein isn't that loli, which is a plus. naturally, everyone else is very japanese despite being supposedly americans. if the animation degrade or the story gets fucked up, i won't endure it.

shang ri-la

the animation's a real hag next to the promo poster , which is a fine piece of cg art, so the animation being fugly really pissed me off. Plus! The music is total shit. the story, though, is very interesting. from what i've seen, it's a shounen(8-18? boys) series with a pink-haired loli(that isn’t baka moe! Hallelujahz!) as the protagonist, and regardless of me being anti-paedobear, I’m pro feminism. So, that’s a definite plus. However, the political premise is a bit hard to digest(i rewound it a few times before i had a grasp on what's going on. i'm that slow. sorry). the story's an interesting take on another possible outcome of the future, i've never seen going green could be so corporate and political ;3 the last fun thing to note is the impressive number of transvestites. Lol. If the plot gets hotter, I’ll continue watching this.

Eden of the east
I don’t know where to start. The plot is very fun and mysterious, but this animu is obviously character development driven given that its demographic is josei (18+ women), so yeah. The OP and ED sequences are so buttfucking awesome, they can have my babies. The OP theme song is in English (yehey~! I didn’t have to suffer reading subs while contemplating the sequence :P), not to mention vector elements and typography (I obviously ship graphic design). The ED sequence is sugoku kawaii~! *kicked by imaginary readers* it srsly is. it’s very creative and it shows that it took a lot of effort to animate, and the theme song is nice, too. even with the character design being very simplistic (same mangaka(?) with honey and clover), the animation is very smooth and fluid right down to the very accurately human mannerisms. It’s freaking amazing. They even hired American voice actors! Neat. No moar engrish. The best part is… it’s morita and hagu(honey and clover) all over again! Not only that, it’s less paedo, moar terrorism and moar nekkid!!!! KYAAAAAA~! *shot* VERDICT: A++++++++plus++plusplus+++

i've been hesitating to blog for more than a week thinking my asinine thoughts are not worth publishing online in my own journal. talk about serious esteem issues. especially for someone as self-absorbed as i am.

other than mourning the end of the two anime that i've been religiously following for the past year, which is Toradora and Soul Eater. If i don't forget it later maybe i'll try to write a series review of sort, my life pretty much remains blah. although, i've finally sorted through my bookmarks. i tried out opera. i only lasted two days, before i went back to firefox. it was pretty neat and sleek. the notes feature is very useful, but i'm more familiar with firefox.

been facing a creativity wall. i've already accepted the fact that i sucking fuck fucking suck at coedz. btw, i downloaded notepad++. although, i hardly ever use it. anyhow, i couldn't accept the fact that i don't have even the tiniest amount of artistic talent. i'm already very adept at photoshop(as far as i'm concerned), but i couldn't come up with anything worth sharing with other people. sucks so hard.

another dilemma also bothers me. i don't like how people have been spamming search engines and how google's been monopolizing advertisements. i'm the kind of person who takes down ads where they're supposed to be, such as social website profile pages, free blogs and free webpages. so, the mere thought of putting up ads on purpose for my blog and implementing search engine spam techniques or SEO sends shivers up my spines. another thing is i'm planning to share the contents of my hard drive, meaning illegal media products. i strongly believe that the internet is meant for sharing information, but i also believe that piracy undermines all the hard work of the creators put into making a certain product. most of which, earns their living through their creations people share illegally. i'm also aware that some of the people involved in producing original content are simply money-grubbers out to steal a piece from the profit pie, and some actually produce content not worth the price they sold it, which is equivalent to greed and corruption. i also hate the fact that some websites are putting up fences by limiting their sites within their own countries, which is stupid. it defeats the purpose of having a website on the internet. and everyone uses proxy servers and dynamic ips anyway, so their efforts are meaningless. i didn't even know that my isp changes my ip every several days, until i decided to mask it sometime ago. lol.

my messy bookmarks still drives me crazy. i don't know how exactly should i organize them, but i can't help myself from bookmarking, because i'm constantly searching for new interesting stuff. it's my disease. you see, i never subscribe to feeds, though i don't use del.icio.us, yet, >:3 because i only use my own machine for surfing online.

another things is i've gather so much materials and books that 3 months probably won't be enough to digest them all. still figuring out how i'm going to condense and document them so i could get my hd rid of them and not have to spend forever reading them.

speaking of my hd, just when i finally gotten rid of my movie files and man pr0n, i've started getting hooked on kiddie games. i just downloaded a few for my younger siblings, but then it kind of gotten out of hand and now my hd is filled to the brim. *pulls out hair from frustrations* just when my obssession with animu and mangoes started to fade... i'm so totally immersing my head in finance books. i've got to fix my brain before my mmorpg addiction resurfaces and i start dreaming of pvp again both awake and asleep. *hurls self against a wall to snap up*

other than that, instead of catering to a specific demographic. i'll just post random contents of my hd and topics i find interesting, which is alot. but then, i'm kinda scared of the interpolz to track me down jail me for 30 months for sharing w a r e z. even if its practically the same thing from a friend lending a notebook for you to replicate before an exam. makes me rage so hard.

...

i've decided right now. still going to do it. tralalala~

i was browsing for some clean blogger layouts, when i stumbled upon some graphic artist's portfolio site. the layout was so pretty you could almost hear my stomach squirm and me vomit in delight. i am so very tempted to rip it off... but i won't, for the sake of artistic integrity. despite my apparent lack of raw artistic talent.
in any case, i really won't. so, rest assured. in fact, i won't be posting the link in case someone else tries to pull it off. don't worry it's not even yours. *copters off into the sunset*
EDIT: Why do blogs have to cater to niches? can't i just blog anything relevant to my interests? and still somehow earn some pennies. i haet conformity. btw, i haet coedz, too. which reminds me how fugly most profit-driven websites are. minus, the graphic design blogs and major corporations. i'm sort of scared how this thing will look after i placed ads here. other than adsense and custom(sponsor) ads, most other ads are so hideous, it makes me want to burn them alive. pisses me off.
+ i am so behind on my animu. i want to die, or at least eat cake. *cries*
oh, when will i ever have enough love?! < /endofweirdemocheese>

this morning, i switched on the tv and found out that we had NHK again. i was so hyped thinking i could watch raw live animu again, and guess what's on? Microsoft Paint Tutorial FTW!!1! it was a casual talk show kind of thing. the conversation went kind of like this:
A guy was teaching the other hosts about the various functions of Paint.
"Wow! you're so good, Mr. A. It kinda looks hard..."
"...No, it's very simple, but we must study hard..."
"But studying is so much fun!"
"...Yes, you are right..."
Then they started painting over and ruining this poor kid's photo.

After this they started selling this tutorial book with a hideous cover. This is where i tuned out and decided to watch Al-Jazeera for the lulz. Disclaimer: i know very little Japanese so there's a high possibility that i got that wrong. I can't believe the crap Japanese tv channels show during their daytime slots! (As far as i know), most animu had to be shown during graveyard hours because they couldn't afford showing them during normal waking hours(except for really mainstream shows like Bleach). And because Japan was one of the countries with the highest rate of escapism thing(something to do with recreational activities, e.g. watching tv, playing video games, shipping idols, etc.), i thought they had better tv programs.(although, i applaud the originality*or weirdness* of their concepts) Then later, i found out they replaced NHK over NAT GEO!(my most beloved channel of all time) FFTW!?1! Before i could release my nerd rage towards the general direction of the cable guys, NAT GEO returned to regular programming, and NHK was never seen ever again...

Anyhoo, i don't know how i could fix my brain, because i''m getting cold feet over the moolah thing. Plus, my ocd is causing my depression to resurface and i can't get rid of this feeling as if someone punched my guts. And, the pressure from my family is increasing, firmly suggesting i get a job. Without picking their brains, i figured they're thinking of throwing me out if i don't. By merely showing my presence to them, i feel telepathic daggers stabbing my back. And if i don't show my face, they'd get angry and drag me outside to conduct a public display of humiliation. As if my stoner neighbors have better achievements to be proud of. My life sucks. I should've been dead long ago if i didn't go shinji ikari and chicken out of commiting suicide.

P.S. Disorganized bookmarks really, really piss me off.

my ancient machine is so slow. it fuggin' pisses me off. it gives off this vibe as if its doing it on purpose, and it's driving me to the edge. currently freeing space on my hd. yes, this is another one of those pointless self-absorbed posts.

pay-to-click sites really does pay the least among the groups of online money milking schemes. if anyone's still interested click here. i only tried one. the only thing i'm scared of, is if i get m a l w a r e from doing it. freaky. i'd die if my hd gets wiped out.

i'm losing enthusiasm on my personal research, which is bad. i'm currently arranging the data i accumulated over the past three days, and its the exact same time i always quit in all my previous projects. *slaps own face to snap up*

anyhow, i got a new design project. i have to design an ebay page for my aunt's shop. sounds simple, right? but in my head, it's not. it means i have to design her brand and logo and everything else in between. what's more is she wants me to teach her how i did it so she could do it herself next. i also seem to have to teach her how to advertise her shop online for more traffic. Just thinking about it, drives me nuts.

i'm also thinking of making a bunch of wallpapers for my informal pseudo-portfolio. just so i got proof that i got skillz, but i think trying to get design jobs will be hard for me because i don't have raw talent or formal education. plus, i always get psychotic on every job i get. and, when it isn't perfect in my eyes, i drown myself in tears. i'm like a ten-minute bipolar bear.

last night i've been so psyched about the site i checked out. but right now, i'm losing it. i'm supposed to write zillions of kickass write-ups, but then i got bored. i figured, "what is the point of writing something kickass if i'm not getting the monetary credit it deserves?" And then i also thought, "what is the point of exerting effort for something if its not going to be absolutely brilliant according to my standards?" i'm crazy, you think? i'm obviously aware of it, and not in the proper frame of mind to do anything about it.

also, i decided to try ptc. i'm aware that the payouts are low, slow and 90% of them are scams. then again, i'm this for the lulz. so, piss off... kidding. have some internet cake. *hands over cake*

anyhow, i'm also thinking of changing my layout. i deciding between getting something free, designing my own, or altering someone else's sans their consent. i really love this one, but the designers might not be too happy about it after i start making profit out of this blog.

indecision is one of biggest banes of my existence. *kills self*

i'm going to try out on of the methods for earning some dough. to be honest, i'm really excited. i've never felt this way in a really long time. the truth is i opened this blog almost a year ago for the purpose of generating an income, but never really got to it, because i never had the time, after school started, and then later the right frame of mind. which is why this place ended up as another one of my outlets for venting my frustrations.

anyhow, i'm currently undergoing research and developing a systematic scheme for all this shizzle. yes, i'm that obssessive about everything i get into, but i have a long history of doing everything half-assed. so, i could never really tell.

my puny brain is simply bursting upon seeing the plethora of methods for generating income online while researching. but first i should prolly clear my head of all nuisance. the fact that i didn't know until now what SEO means and its significance in herding readers... i lost my train of thought.

i was thinking of switching back to wordpress *stoned*. i'm sorry. srsly, i get it. what is the point of switching over to a more powerful blogging tool when i hardly lay my hands on this one, much less maximize fully its capabilities? i know, you're thinking,"what the flying fuck is your problem?! no one even reads this semi-existent pile of crap!". *beaten up by imaginary readers*

well, this time i'll try to blog as much as i can, and practice writing more sensible content other than the usual pointless nausea of inner turmoil and cowardice.

a friend once told me that the only thing she fears other than (her) God is stagnation, which is a pretty scary thing if you live in my environment of overachieving geniuses. And, degradation which is definitely more horrifying isn't making things any easier for me. But one thing's for sure, i'm not going back to college because we can't afford it. *internet high-five!* heck, we could hardly even afford decent food anymore. stupid recession. anyhow, i still have the internet. and i need to make money. so, yes. i'm finally getting my ass out of this bed. but not to work, mind you. sure i've got several companies i'd like to enter just for the learning experience *kicked*. yes, it's true. there are several corporations i'd like to be a part of, but my lazy ass, pessimism and irrational fears are preventing me to do so. evidently, it's out of the question.

i must stop this degradation. must...

anyhoo, i'm going to stop immersing myself in epic shonen mangoes, start reasearching and try my hand on gaining some profit online to at least relieve some grief and disappointment out of my clan. maybe, i'll even start learning programming again *reliving the terrors of 5-hour practical programming exams*. que horror.

i really am. somehow, it's sort of coming off and i've started taking interests in things again, but my train of thought always end up in me never having enough drive and capacity, and i will ultimately fail, like i always do.

i did it for the lulz don't kill me. :3

i've been avoiding this issue with the best of my abilities, to the extent of removing even the slightest thoughts of it even by physical means such as flailing my own head againts a wall. i've been successful at forgetting it for several months by means of sleepless nights of anime and 4chan, corrupting my mind with abomination, right to its very core, just for it not to resurface. tonight, i've failed. in hopes of improving my tagalog vocabulary, i ended up landing in peyups, which i told myself never to venture into. i even sort of sworn to myself i would never shed a tear for it ever. and just reading a single column broke me into a million of tiny pieces. yes, i'm talking about my dead academic career. the details are unclear, you say? i have no desire of increasing my inner turmoil. so suffer the lack of context. for me, its ** or nothing. that's very shallow and immature of me. i know. you wouldn't know what it feels unless you are me.

in the end, it all boils down to the fact that i don't have what it takes to get there. i don't have enough drive to do it. i do everything half-assed and i couldn't change myself, because its what i am. i've pushed my luck so much and i know as hell how much of it i've got. but i can't rely on luck alone and i'm not happy with it anymore. it's no fun anymore. i don't know where to go or what path to pursue.

i'm not ready to face it. i don't even want to face it. i just want to either end it all or retire permanently.

there's so much stuff i'd like to blog lately but am too lazy to even sign in.

i've recently been alto whoring. imma print some pics later. maybe i'll try drawing him. then again, i prolly won't reveal it as my anatomy skillz suck balls.

anyhoo, my mom picked up a puppy off the middle of the street. meet GUNDAM.


isn't he the most awesome puppy evarr?!?!


imma blog whore alto-hime laterr.