i just saw the rurouni kenshin[samurai x] ova tsuikohen[trust and betrayal] and seisohen[reflection]. deep. dark. romantic. absolute love. really far from the 'oro'-filled main series. absolutely awesome, nonetheless. the soundtrack alone tore me apart. the animation leaned more on realism in comparison to their forerunner. the story and how they were pieced together is amazing. i really loved it. exactly, my brand of romance. i can't believed it took me this long to finally get to see this. it reminded me how horrifying shedding blood really is.[watching too much soul eater made me think blood looked funny.] although i honestly am sick of watching rurouni kenshin over and over in english, tagalog and japanese[my sisters really doesn't.], i still miss seeing it. it reminds me of my childhood and the values they contained that i have obviously forgotten. my all-time favorite anime that shaped my perception[atleast before i got this way(hikikomori)], other than hunter x hunter. the anime being shown nowadays are sort of lacking. it's not that they're bad. it's just that most of them are filled with too much ecchi and psychosis.[they just turn me paranoid and horny] not to mention that most of them are made for adults or really young kids[lolis and shotas], none for me[18 year old who thinks as if she's 12]. very few of them contain the same spirit and inspiration that made me fall in love with anime in the first place.[naruto, bleach and one piece has it, though.]

anyhoo, i wasn't content with rurouni kenshin's final episode so seeing these made me really happy and depressed at the same time.[ which i always do whenever i finish a really good anime] makes me yearn for more. makes me wish it ran like dragon ball /z. but alas, even dragonball /z is overr. *cries some more* it also sort of makes me reevaluate my stance against life.

but then, i also saw 5 centimeters per second, which only strengthened my stance that living is pointless.

aside from knowing my condition is called being a hikikomori and starting to walk all over the house instead of lying in my bed for months. this is my first attempt to reconnect with society. so, yay me! then again, no one reads my blog. but i've been avoiding this since i got this way. so, this is a big step. atleast, in my book. before, i even supress or withhold composing thoughts regarding none escapist concepts. i'm a total romantic. everyone else knew from the start. crap. i'm really beyond my limits because i never finish anything. so there.

i know, right?
i've been really wanting to vent out my thoughts online so bad, but i always get scared of coming out of my room. forgive thee for not having internet connection. i really am. sorry, that is. this has really been disjointed. i had to suffer venting my exploding brain on paper, where my hand couldn't possibly keep up with the rate of flow of my brainfarts. i tried journalling(?) on my pc. i really did. but that's so boring because no one else could read it and i started writing of confidential stuff embedded in fiction. so, technically, those aren't journal entries. i hate the fact that my right hand couldn't keep up with my left. i know no one else reads this blog anyway. but it gives me joy thinking someone could stumble upon my blog and contemplate my pointless thoughts.
i always get carried away by my daydreams. i couldn't control my daydreams. i have early signs of schizophrenia. i couldn't stand school. i hate it. i'm losing my mind. people are going to kick my ass for this, but i'm filing leave of absence. that is, if i muster enough drive to get out of the trouble i dug myself into. i'm going to hell. someone save me.

i can't stand school. i need to love school again. i never learn anything. i never remember anything. i feel so worthless. but then, nothing i do is worth anything, to beging with.

i have no conscience. i can think of the right and wrong stuff, but it feels so wrong forcing myslef to do anything according to 'morals' when i don't even feel anything about it. i feel nothing. i feel dead. i lost hope, too. dunno how to generate more. my brain damage is getting worse.

though seemingly disjointed, this entry is worth moarrrr than what i posted in the past few months.

i need to remember how to live again. remind me to get out of my room and do crap like i used to.

my thoughts out. real bad. /*but this stupid net cafe started reeking of yucky smelling guy cologne. reminds me of the time i almost passed out during flag ceremony in high school, because i sprayed too much body spray on myself. i can't stand it. i'm going to barf. i'm leaving.*/ 'till next time~! :D

i've been living in my dreams*am i on crack? no* , literally. i lost all my logical abilities. it's like i'm on permanent auto-pilot. At first, it was cool i could do that. By autopilot, i mean my body follows strictly my daily routine without thinking. That sounded retarded. i know. /*i'm kinda freezing to death here. so, i'll leave this here. i'll continue this later.*/

after i moved back into my old place, i totally forgot all about this blog. and, i felt so sorry for it. *i shamelessly confess to treating my journals like animated beings* the truth is i have free internet connection at my place and i got my machine with me. all that's missing is a usb wifi thingie, due to the fact the my machine doesn't have a wifi thingie built in with it. so, yeah. i'm guilty of being entirely negligent of everything that i used to take care of, which i don't know whether i should feel really bad about it, like i should. because right now, i don't feel anything at all. i don't care about anything, at all. even with my acads, which is my number one priority, but i still end up failing anyway.
in the past 2 months, i managed to flunk 5 out of my 7 major exams. beat that. i cried once. and, i forced myself into it just to prove to myself i still have feelings. i don't want to go numb. it'll wreck havoc on my academic life. *flashesback to 1.5 years ago when i wanted to go numb to avoid pain from...* anyhow, i also managed to deteriorate my social life*if it ever existed* by staying away from people i really want to be friends with but end up snobbing, and people, generally. i should rot in hell.
someone save me.

earth calling, j*****h. wake up, sleepyhead! no one wants to be friends with you, to begin with. so, why bother dreaming? stick to reality. go back to unconsciously/instinctively pissing people trying to make contact(say wut?!). i kid.i guess i do need people, but i lost every sort of social skill any human being comes built in with.

i found a place to stay, but i'm still unstable. craze keep my guts aways from me. (?)
anyhoo, i can't focus. i'm busy listening to the brewrats radio drama, "Iputok mo sa Labas".
i was so pissed yesterday, i cried everytime someone reminded me of that thing.
well, til later. After my mind's all cleared up.

there. i'm still homeless. i have a lot of stuff to deal with, and i couldn't do anything about those other stuff until i completely get out of this mess. it pisses me off as much as it makes me feel kawawa.
anyhoo, i give all my love to those people concerned and willing to share their beds to a shamelessly homeless person like me. :)

a few moments ago, i started reading my previous blog entries from other blogs dating back during my high school days. i was amazed how well i expressed my thoughts in written form back then. and then it hit me. i'm deteriorating. i seriously need to start learning useless stuff again.
on a side note, my first day of school starts tomorrow. And, i have nowhere to live, due to some complications made by some bad people i know. so, there.
Remember not to step on me while i'm sleeping next to the atm where i withdraw my allowance.

edit:
i miss going to my geeky conventions. i always miss these events. they always seem to happen during exam seasons. then again, every other week is exam season in my school, and there's no chance of that ever changing. So, my new school year resolution is to, "study hard, goof off harder~!". nyar :3

As a simple introduction, for those uninformed. i am an extreme procrastinator, and is in dire need of help. Mere mention of any sort of work will send me scurrying back under my rock. So, forgive me, if the following words you see are anything short of pathetic.

Today, i did my laundry and then i attended a small meeting. Afterwards, i got dragged into a birthday celebration and ate some pancit.

I'm sorry. That's as far as i could go.